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  • Julien Demaret

Love and Freedom

Trying to find the balance

sunset on Koh Phangan island by the author Today I feel the urge to talk about the concepts of Love and Freedom because I am currently experimenting with the search for balance between the two in my life. What I am going to say has been greatly influenced by Osho’s teachings developed in his book of discourse about “Love, Freedom, and Aloneness, a new vision of relating — Osho”, and by Franck Lopvet’s insights. I will describe the traditional views I had about relationships before, then point out the issues it was representing in my life, and finally how I now try to conciliate between Love and Freedom. My old view on Love and Freedom Freedom was something I have always craved for. But I was not aware of it. I was really afraid of it. I was not confident enough to face my fears, I was not believing in myself. That is why I had many ways to limit my freedom. One powerful way was my addiction to alcohol which I will not develop here, because it cannot be talked about in one article. Another one was the way I was conceiving love relationships and using them to justify my inability to chase my dreams. Indeed, I used to think that I had to find someone that was made for me, my “soulmate”, and do everything in my power to make the relationship last, no matter what. That included renouncing my dreams and forgetting myself to form one entity with the other person. Because a successful relationship for me was inevitably a long-lasting one. And a successful life was inevitably built around a successful relationship. I was also entering into a relationship with the desire to be loved, instead of the desire to love. Indeed, I was not loving myself, so I was searching for someone else’s love to compensate for my lack of self-love. This was working well in the beginning, the newness of the relationship was providing the illusion of self-love, but it didn’t last for long. At a certain point, the illusion was fading away and my expectations were too high. I was blaming the other person and the relationship was slowly degrading until its end.

The issues it brought to my life I was never able to accept aloneness and was quickly getting back into a new relationship after the previous one collapsed. As a consequence, I was not able to learn from those experiences and develop my self-love alone. Also, I was not able to face my real problems. I had given up on my dreams, life for me was meaningless, and I had no purpose. I was just searching for another relationship to fix my depression, which would ultimately result in increasing my distress, forming a vicious circle. But I still had hope. With time I started healing alone, figuring out many things about this pattern. I understood I had to give myself a chance to grow alone, to build my self-love. I started to find meaning in my life, I started to understand that I had a deep desire for freedom. I finally got it. What was making me happy and raising my self-love was to be able to be, do, and have whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. That is freedom for me. And I developed my lifestyle around this and allowed myself to be in a relationship again. It took me two years to realize that my desire for freedom and my desire for love were in contradiction, and that one was limiting my ability to experience the other. My current attempt to find balance Today I am trying to find a balance between the two. But that implies changing the way I and probably society perceive relationships. I am now alternating between relationships and aloneness. I am building up my self-love when I’m alone, going into the unknown, feeling free, and enjoying my life to the fullest of my ability, without restricting myself by vows or morality. And then, when I feel like my love is overflowing, I am entering into a relationship to give the overflow to someone. I can be overflowing for a week, a month, or maybe ten years. I do not consider anymore that only long-lasting relationships are real or successful. "A rock was there before we were born and will be there after we die. A rose only live for some days. Does it make the rose less real than the rock?" — Osho. This is only the theory and in practice, it is sometimes very hard not to get attached to someone. That is why I am most of the time not allowing myself to love fully because I am not ready to welcome the suffering that comes with love. Love and suffering from Love are bound together, I cannot pick only the convenient one and ignore the other one. But I’m “working” on that, trying to see if my heart is big enough to love fully, and accept the suffering that may come with it. If I succeed, I’ll become free to give love to who I want when I have love to give. Love stories we are able to have in a lifetime may be only conditioned by the size of our heart and its ability to love again. Final Words Divided between my profound desire for freedom and my need to give Love authentically, I am searching for balance, walking outside of beaten tracks, and trying to avoid suffering for myself or the people I interact with in the process. This might be in vain, maybe it is not possible. A choice might have to be made. Who knows? Maybe the highest form of freedom is to choose to renounce your freedom in the hands of someone you love. I’m just not ready to do that… yet.

 

PS: If you like my work, you can receive it in your mailbox every time I publish a new post. I’m sharing my life experience with you in the hope that It will add value to your life and inspire you to grow. Thank you for reading. Quotations and claims are derived from my experience unless specified otherwise. My views and opinions on topics are not intended to replace yours but are offered to broaden your perspective of life. I can help you to get away from your addictions to a life of freedom.


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